Gay/Gender Roles in Relationships

“Jeff, I’ve been meaning to ask you, who’s the guy and who’s the girl in your relationship?” asked Rish, a very straight and masculine friend, as we sat down in the stone benches nearest the Social Sciences Building.

I let out a fake laugh in response, because I wanted to laugh, not that the question was funny.

I straightened my back, put on a serious look, my eyes fixed on his.

“I know this will sound weird, even hard to understand, but the guy and girl delineations don’t exist in our relationship.”


His eyes transfixed on mine, as they glimmered in confusion. His head titled a little.

I was quick to respond, I had so much to say. I’ve encountered this question too much, anyway.

“Yes. In the first place, we’re not straight so why do we need to a “straight relationship”?

Imagine me using my middle and pointy finger to imitate the quotations.

“We accept that we’re both guys and no one needs to be the boy, or the girl.”

Hindi siya parang kailangang sabihin na, o eto, ako yung babae sa atin ha. What does that even mean? Labelling someone as the “girl” or the “boy”. Do girls have to be more kept and calm and collected in a relationship?”

Rish didn’t reply.

I guess he had difficulty trying to understand the dynamics. But what do I expect? For a straight guy used to the idea of girls and boys, of boys courting a girl, of girls waiting to be picked up by boys at home for a date, how can such an arrangement go?

Dalawang lalaki eh.

He dropped the topic, and moved on with gossip. I just know he still doesn’t completely get it.

I do acknowledge the fact that at times there will be a more masculine and a more feminine partner, but those attributes are not necessarily placed formally and constant. It comes naturally to the couple, to the individual, and it is constantly shifting.

To be frank, I think at times homosexual couples tend to have even more equal roles, essentially because gay couples don’t follow ‘straight’ norms as to which task/duty/action should be ascribed to a respective partner.

(Alessandra and Portia pasted book excerpts from Sir Ruey’s Workshop class, and I was inspired to do the same. This was from Chapter 8 of my book, BeGAYnnings :P)

2 thoughts on “Gay/Gender Roles in Relationships

  1. I just had to reply. Hahaha. Bravo, Jeff!

    I get the same question all the time too and I do agree with everything you said. 😛 It’s really difficult to explain away the ‘fallacy’ (if you will) of role-playing in gay relationships :)) Basta mahal mo ‘yun na HAHAHAHA

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