Post-mortem

“Sorry Ma. No UP law :)”

This was my text to Mama after talking to Mina on the phone.

When she called Anna, and I overheard Anna say “Ah talaga?” with a speck of disappointment on her face, I knew it already, I knew it.

Mama was quick to reply, “Okay lang anak, there’s so many possibilities for you.”

But she was quick to buckle, “Totoo ba talaga?”

I guess she expected good news.

To be honest, I only needed a day to grieve, to mourn the loss of a possibility, just one day for myself. And I think I got it.

Last Friday night, I watched Valentine’s Day alone, just cause I wanted to get my mind of it. The movie was awful though, as awful as not passing UP Law. Vday had too many sub/sob-plots, unrealistic endings, worst of all, it had too many bad actors. Taylor Swift, who supposedly prepared really well for her role in this movie, was mayjah crap. Btw, she plays a dumb blonde who’s a pseudo non-cheerleader. I thought you were supposed to be the uncool girl? MOVIE DEBUT and COUNTER CULTURE FAIL, I tell you. Nagdigress lang ako, kasi naiiyak na ako. Hahaha.

I bought a book (The Lovely Bones), had coffee for the first time in Gloria Jeans just to try something new.

I think its also my fault, for being overconfident and sounding so self-assured last Christmas to friends, family, everyone. Pa-“sympre po UP” pa ako nung pasko.

What ever way you put it, I failed. And I think I deserve this. It will serve as a reminder, especially in those moments that I feel overconfident, self-assured. Humility always, always.

—–

I published this just now because I wanted to upload it when I felt better. And I do.

When a wise man told me to “isolate [myself] from [my] emotions and external factors and really see what [I] want before its too late…and how its kind of hard to move forward when something, some instance, in some way rejects you, but that’s an essential part of growing,” with the occasional ha-has and witticisms, I felt better by a mile.

When someone started to discuss with me my future over Skype, I cried really hard, like really hard, but I started to think about the future, once again.

And when Jedyne, a fellow unfortunate soul, hugged me earlier today (we’re not really close), I felt like I was really, really not alone in this.

I was never really.

This time I’ll take control of my future.

3 thoughts on “Post-mortem

  1. Oh Jeff, I sincerely believe there’s something bigger and better out there for you. Ikaw pa – one of the most talented, easygoing, funny, nice, smart people I’ve ever gotten to know. I have faith in you. 🙂

    *MASSIVE HUG*

    (Don’t worry! I’ll give you a better one when I see you in person!)

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